So... It's been a while since I have done any writing. I feel like I am starting this new blog in the middle of things. Winding down with the past year, and starting anew ~ which created this unwitting sense of a
middleness that I hadn't predicted.
It got me to thinking about all of this talk of "New Year's Resolutions," which have always seemed somewhat ironic to me. Typically a
resolution is created at the end of a process; the result of work done, and the clarity that comes with the related epiphanies. Thinking more about the silliness of a preemptive strike telling ourselves what will be important for the year yet to unfold.
"This year I will get in shape. This year I will find the perfect job, or the perfect relationship."
Did these summations come as the result of
un-resolved feelings from last year? And are these the best we can do? Worry about our collective weight, about Mr. or Ms. Right hopefully being around the corner... Yet, I fall into the same traps.
I called this blog
"Twisting My (Fake) Moustache" because (as many of you might know) I have always been a bit of a schemer. I love the imagery of sitting around twisting a handlebar moustache trying to deduce which of my many crazy ideas might just be "the next big thing." So, in short, this blog will be that clearing house. And to begin, my New Year's resolution:
To follow through.That said, here I am writing again. Stumbling around a paraphrased quote from one of my favorite authors, asking: "Isn't it unfortunate that we learn the skills for responding to a challenge or crisis
after we get through it?" Um, ya... Back to the irony of coming up with a resolution at the -beginning- of a year, before we've even had time to fuck anything up 3 minutes into the new year. (Unless you did fuck something up 3 minutes into the new year. Then if so, high five!)
So, despite being two weeks into the new year, I want to start twisting this '
stache. I am feeling a bit lost, and under-motivated. I jokingly said to a friend that maybe I should try being a motivational speaker. Maybe that's where all of this is leading me. She said something to the effect of: "Um, don't you
hafta wanna do -something- with your life if you are trying to motivate others?"
Hmm, I think she is on to something.
What do I want to do?
My schemes for 2009:
- To grow a beard (seems a bit daunting and unrealistic, but I still want it...) to stop looking like a 12 yr old boy
- To become a spokesman for a clinic featuring hair-transplants and botox/restylane injections to get free treatments to stop looking like a 47 yr old man
- To become a "house boy" for a few months mid-year (looking my age: 33)
- (To develop abs of steel in preparation for being said house boy)
- To be the witty, charming, tranny side kick in a reality show about my two gay bosses, and their three adopted kids
- To get corporate sponsorship to drive a hybrid vegan ice cream truck cross country to meet Betty White (a staunch vegan), and create a documentary about the American Dream ("go west, young man")
- To get a book deal, and an appearance on Oprah as a motivational speaker, (despite currently feeling completely under-motivated.)
- To write articles for both top men's and women's fashion magazines about my transition, and offering dating advice, pitting each side against the other, starting a new sexual revolution just for "ha-ha's" and irony
- To start a retail clothing line for "petite & short" men's wear, with Pele as the spokesman
- To become a "personality" (think Graham Norton with more muscular shoulders, and hair plugs)
- To become the "go-to tranny" (check out this grave stone I found in Galveston, TX engraved with "Captain Trans" ~ someone beat me to it! Fuckers!)
Okay, so clearly I don't have any clue what to do with my life right now. And this isn't even that funny, but maybe not all new beginnings have to be. Sometimes they are scary, and intimidating, and not arrived upon by choice. Sometimes beginnings are delivered after an ending, and are opportunities in sheep's clothing, aka: loss.
I am in the midst of a few growing pains of my own right now, knowing that changes are inevitable, and trying to keep myself open to the possibilities. Letting go of what was, of what I thought had been but maybe wasn't... Of a job that maybe didn't really exist, or of family that is different than I had made them out to be. There are many adjustments, and as these external things morph and shift, I find the internal elements negotiating those losses, shape shifting...
I want something...
Something.
I want to know what to want. And then how to get there. But as with my transition, it started with a question. "Is this what I want?" And the only way to know was to put myself in the way of knowing; to immerse myself within those questions, and flail around to eventually find my answers. I had no clue if I wanted to transition, but I knew with each shot of testosterone it could be my last. It could be my answer, even if it was one that maybe I hadn't wanted to find, or even consider. But I knew that not asking, not exploring, not pushing myself beyond the limits of what I had already known ~ it was no longer an option to stay in that inertia. It was fucking terrifying to embark on "something," not having any conclusive evidence of what the exact results would be. I had no clue how my body would react, how I would feel within a body that was changing, or how people would react to this newer version of me, and how that might feel. I just knew that I had to see, experience, put myself in that line of fire. I have no regrets.
Remembering those beginnings, and the horrible endings that came just before; it helps grant me the patience to stay open and trust that really amazing things can grow amidst the shit storms... (Wow, that was horribly ungraceful. Anyway...) Maybe all things worth doing require that leap of faith, to go just beyond all that is familiar and safe.
It feels unfamiliar, and unsafe. Does that mean that I am "on to something?" Soon enough I will learn these maps and be itching to go beyond these newly forming dimensions. And so it goes. And goes...
Here I go, with a leap of faith, and a bullet to bite.
Happy New Year, and gimme a shout if you need a house boy this summer.
XO ~ "Captain Trans"
